Thursday 12 April 2018

Clomid Cycle #3: Cycle Day 8 - Pissed Off Mood (Excuse Vulgarities Used)

Hi Ladies,

So this is the #3 clomid cycle and surprisingly, I'm pretty fed up..

I've taken it on CD3-CD7.. And to be honest, I have been feeling rather shitty since yesterday, the last pill.. I have no idea why..
I'm not sure if it is to blame on the side effect of the clomid that had its toll on me for this cycle.. This cycle, I am really feeling hot and sweaty and hot flushes.. Thirsty as well.. Starting to have right side cramping. Not pretty sure if its the ovulating gearing up or I might have strain a muscle there..

 Let's talk about what is running through my head right now this instant: To kill everyone..
Yes.. LOL!! I am utterly annoyed by everyone.. Even though if they didn't do anything. It's like my emotions are running the show in my body. And also, I am taking in Metformin 500mg again.. I've stopped for a good 2 months during the conceiving period as I am feeling affected by the severe side effect.. bad bad diarrhoea... And really altering my moods badly.. So now yes, at work been to the loo for 4 times diarrhoea and lack of appetite for a particular reason.

Somehow, I don't really share my issues with my family members so much.. Only to those I choose to have them known. I feel that they don't need to feel the sadness or be affected or to have themselves included with that journey I am struggling because they have other issues to attend to, why worry them with all these.. I tried to keep it between me and mountain bear at most.. Because the main concern is between me and him. (You guys reading this blog have no idea who we are, so why do I have to worry about, even if you do, I'm sure you are suffering the same situation as i am in the journey..)

But lately, when I found out someone in my family has leak to others about my condition, i can't help it but feel angry, extremely furious and just want to "UGHHHHH" that person soo much! I have no idea if this Clomid has caused me to feel this way with it's hormone clouding my mind as well as the metformin that I am taking is making me all **BLEEEPPP** I am just not myself right now and believe it or not, Mountain Bear is also being affected by my sudden anger! I just can't help it! I'm honestly feeling super shitty right now that only being at work is making me sane for the moment. Because i am doing something...
So i decide to be quiet and cry my hearts out in the shower. Because I just don't feel like telling anyone that I am having diabetes in my family context although we have family histories and all. I'm like super disappointed that this person contacted me and tell me that "Oh you have diabetes? Why didn't you tell us?" I mean, "Was it a major concern that I have to? Why should I? Does it concern you? Does it make the diabetes disappear when you know it?" Although they meant it in a good way, but when i got that message and decide to confront that person who leaks it, i was extremely furious.. I swear I could feel the inner me starts burning up with hatred. Again, this is soo not me.. I know I am never this kind of a person. And i admit it myself right now even if that emotions is playing it's role, it's not me but I can't help erase this anger..
I know I don't need to even have this written down but I just want to document every possible moments that I am feeling during this conceiving period & on hormonal treatment.. I want to know if this has a pattern to it or not. Also, it may not be a big deal in weeks to come but I am writing this is because, I am feeling alot of hatred and anger. Never in my cycle I am encountering such level of wanting to punch, smack, slap someone.

Telling those in medical line about a person having diabetes, they have a medical backgroud that knows, "Oh diabetes is just a common condition but when someone who doesn't monitor their conditions properly and allowing themselves to be affected by its side effects and outcome in daily intake and not doing monthly checkup to ensure they are within the normal range is neglecting their body BUT on another hand, someone can have diabetes due to cyst related or pancreas issue yet having a normal sugar or glucose level with proper intake"
That is what a medical nerd like me can understand.. but as for these public noobs who are having norms of believing that DIABETES means you are a sick person or going to get worse, like a stigma. They start assuming.. "Oh because of diabetes, you can't get pregnant bla bla bla.." Eh Hello... You think i invited Diabetes to be part of me? I must blame my hereditary is it for this? Then how about Hypertension? Cholesterol? Hepatitis Carrier? Anemia? Do you think we need sympathy for all these & need advices from you, who clearly has no issues on it?
On the other hand, what do you think I would feel or other ladies suffering the same situation? They have no idea what I/we have been through to get pregnant, to get myself/ourselves better and getting myself/ourselves to think positive that this amazing day will arrive after someone says harsh words in the past.. That period we tried to past through to get ourselves up and feel better about ourselves. But when they start again on saying those issues, "Ohh no wonder you don't want to eat this anymore hahahaha etcs..." who the **BLEEPP** are you to decide what I can eat and cannot eat? I am starting to avoid requesting anything for people anymore..
URGHHHH!!!!! 

And because of this too, i have this thoughts in my mind...

I GAVE UP.. TO HELL WITH ALL THESE FERTILITY STUFFS.. BECAUSE I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TRYING TO "SHARE" OR "HELP" BY SAYING ALL THOSE SHITS COMING FROM THEIR MOUTH.
But deep down inside me, I know I will be pregnant sooner or later.. But this kind of people are the ones making me stress and part of the reason of this failure after failure attempt.. Then, when they found out I was stress, they will say, "Ahhh always blame others for your own misfortune, never once to blame yourself.." YOU M****************!!!! That's why I decide to keep my mouth shut on issues that I know most people wont be able to understand. Now they know, they will spread to others. Once spread, they will assume behind your back and the chain continues. What ill-manner creatures are these? (Can you see how a women's mind can be maglinant?)
Let me remind you again, I never had such character or behavior like this in me before.. Even mountain bear knows I wont go to such extend even if such things were to happen.. Maybe he starts assuming I won't be bother.. But sadly, it could happen on the wrong time..
I have no idea when will this rage ends.. Because I am still indeed pissed off already still..
But I will update again on the next outcome.. I really hope Allah helps me on this.. I feel like the devils are cheering up to my anger and frustrations and curses...

Wednesday 4 April 2018

Clomid Cycle #2: CD36 - Period Day 1

Hey Ladies...
As you can see and read from the title itself.. I guess this cycle isn't gonna be any different..

I started to bleed again..

Here's what happen..

Few night ago at about 2am.. I started to have the most intensed abdominal cramps that I've never had. It was almost contracting and constantly aching.. I sat on the bathroom toilet for a good 5 minutes trying my best to find ways to subside the pain..
Which end up with terrible diarrhoea and feeling extremely gassy.. I knew from that day onwards, I won't be getting my positive test..

Soon the next day, I started to re-order my usual fertility supplies like the ovulation kits, pregnancy kits and some supplements like L-Arginine again, including 100 tabs of Folic Acids and Vit B Complex. Pre Seed still has sufficient amount to use for the next cycle..
So suddenly today, I started having some cramps that felt like AF is here..

Sure enough, I was at work and I was super busy, Thank God I wore a pantyliner! I knew it.. Not gonna be pregnant this cycle.. With heavy heart, I accepted this and told mountain bear the outcome..
I was extremely upset for still, hoping for that day to arrive..
So I'm gonna try to take my 3rd Cycle clomid on CD3-CD7.. I am going to see if this could work..

Definitely I will update you ladies on this! 

POST DELIVERY COMPLICATION - 13TH JUNE 2021 (SUNDAY) & 14TH JUNE 2021 (MONDAY)

  Finally I am back in the ward after a 5 minutes from the delivery suites. I was told that I need to pee in the next 3 hours before I can b...