IUI #1 Unsuccessful...

It was such a sad period...

Hi ladies............... I apologies for running away from this blog for few months after the 6th Day IUI updates...



I was honestly feeling pretty down and upset to know the news that I had my menses on the 20th May 2019 during the holy month of Ramadhan..

It was an extremely emotional day for me and Mountain Bear was pretty shocked and felt the same as he hugged me, when I was crying my hearts out..


I know... I can still try the next month, but that physical process that I have to go through again...

After all those daily injections..........the bruises............the aches..........the vaginal probing........ and the leaves taken from work....


Sigh.......... I was feeling so introvert after the incidents...........




I just don't want to meet anyone..... I just wanted to be alone.............




Even though I did saw a faint line the day before my menses, I wasn't feeling it...........


I felt.... That line isn't strong enough.............


True enough............. I had the worst cramps ever that I almost wanted to call the emergency department on it.... But after one bad bad bad bad cramp twisting womb feeling, that sensations was gone....


and I had my menses the very next day...........


At first I tried to deny it.... I assume that it was just spotting....


But after hours pass, it started to get more and more with streaks of 'meat' that flows out as well....


Allah..................


After Mountain Bear realized that this procedure and process really affected me, I know he tried his best to keep me positive and say that we can always try again....


I wasn't myself when he said that...


In my mind, I was like "THE HELL TRY AGAIN??!! I'M THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH THE INJECTIONS..... THE VAGINAL PROBINGS..... THE HORMONE MEDICATIONS.... THE BRUISES AND PAIN AT MY ABDOMEN..... AND YOU SIMPLY JUST SAY, TRY AGAIN?!! I JUST NEED YOUR SPERM THATS ALL! YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT ANYTHING OR GO THROUGH ANYTHING!!"

I assure you, this was in my mind... when you are taking to someone who had failed an IUI procedure and the urge and yearns to have a child, I honestly know he meant well... I know he tried to make me feel better, I know... But I just feel too tired to go through all of it again.. even though it was just our first attempt...


I was having a vision that with just the 1st cycle I could get pregnant, but NOOOOO......


God wants me to go through more obstacles mentally, physically and emotionally and religiously...


There were times I can't deny that I blame God for this.... for this unfairness....

It sucks..... it totally is..... with the increase cases of child being thrown away like garbage....




It hits me really really heart.... I just couldn't swallow the fact that it's hard to get pregnant.....

Urgh......


I was suppose to have an appointment with my RE but I rescheduled it to September... I'm not really ready to face again with these disappointments...


I just wanted to be alone and just continue feeling super super useless....

I know this is a pour out.... that I feel something I need to do.... I know some other ladies are going through somewhat the same process that I am....


I just wanted you to know.... You are not alone in this.....


There is someone on the other side of this earth that is struggling as well...


I will try my best to update again when I have some new progressions...


Till then ladies...


XOXO